the 4th on Rainier

Sunday after church, two friends and I left to climb up Mt Rainier. The weather was amazing and I had a four day weekend so I was looking forward to getting out of town. Right after we unloaded our bags at the parking lot we realized that we only had a small bottle of sunscreen between the three of us. This was ironic since we were over prepared with all the rest of our gear! Thankfully none of us got too burnt. Packing in our gear to stay overnight plus my skis, my pack was pretty heavy and I quickly realized I am not in very good shape for alpine climbing.

There is nothing like a long hike to allow questions to fester in your mind over and over: Why don't I do this more often? Am I really this out of shape? How much further are we going? Why didn't I train more? Working out can be pretty simple and yet there are many profound parallels in life to applying a host of skills and a lot of energy to a given task. Being in grad school now, my thoughts quickly latch onto teaching and I recognize my own need to prepare and exercise in many ways. Like my students, living life outside of a class reminds me of the value of an education.

We had left late, so with the sun slipping away we decided to camp out on the snowfield below Camp Muir. We were pretty cosy and slept well for the most part. While having coffee and breakfast the next morning, we identified some different mountain ranges and contemplated future hikes. After hiking further to up to Muir we went skiing down the mountain, basically a long blue run. The snow conditions were excellent. Before packing up and heading home we shared a growler (Boundary Bay IPA) in the parking lot. It seems I was spoiled on my first time climbing Rainier!

Out of the Tunnel and into the Light

The last time I posted here I had just started 25 credits while working three part time jobs. I was entering a deep, dark tunnel and knew this would be one of the toughest seasons of my life so far. Thankfully my family and several of my friends knew this as well, and I am grateful for their encouragement when I was tired, patience as I learned to say no to several commitments, and care as I felt stretched in many ways. As with any hard journey, I shifted my priorities and there was a strange mix of sadness and freedom in shedding previous roles and responsibilities along the way. I found a replacement for my administrative job at my church, stopped substitute teaching and moved to a substitute role as a counselor at the Boys and Girls Club. Though it was hard to see some projects left undone, to say goodbye to students I had coached and taught, and lead one more day of activities for my 2-3rd graders, I was glad to have some time to focus on my coursework and tests-prereqs for grad school. Yesterday I completed two more final papers, attended a wedding, cooked dinner, read for fun, watched a movie and slept for eleven hours. I am out of the tunnel and into the light. Now I am drinking a Dragonstooth Stout, a birthday gift from a friend, listening to Muse and getting excited for grad school.

Many have said I am going from one tunnel into another, perhaps they are right. Yet even as I fight a cough and complete my required reading for tomorrow, I cannot help reflecting back on all God has brought me through and wonder at the timing, the context and the manner of his faithfulness. Having come this far, I feel as though I had received Frodo's light of earendil to guide me further on. That light is ancient yet vibrant. It beckons me to remember where I have been, to call out where I am, to dream where I will be. Specifically, I am moved to remember who God is and what He has done, to call out to Him daily, and to freely dream of what he will do and who he will make me to be. As I look towards a career in teaching high schoolers, it is freeing to know that my worth does not lie in lesson plans, in test results, or even in relationships. Seeds are sown yet I cannot control the seasons.

I have walked onto the UW campus three times: in middle school doing research for a science project, in college considering a MA in Urban History and last fall to interview for the Masters in Teaching program. Tomorrow morning I will walk on campus as a graduate student with much to offer and much more to learn. Though I have cleared my schedule and made space on my bookshelves I plan on learning as I always have-by living out and exercising what I learn in the context of real life, in real time and real relationships with all of the inherent mystery, complexity and risk. My light still shines and the journey is not done.

Picasso at the SAM

Though I saw signs for months and months about the Picasso Exhibit at the Seattle Art Museum, I didn’t go until just before it closed! And I already had been looking forward to it since the Picasso Museum in Paris was closed due to renovations when I went in August. It has the largest and most important repository of his work in the world 150+pieces of sculptures, drawings, prints and photographs. A friend called me the day before with an extra ticket and I went from 10pm-midnight!

A few years ago I visited a Picasso exhibit in London called “Challenging the Past”and made a post about it on my blog while I was in London. What immediately struck me about the collection at SAM was the sheer amount and variety of mediums displayed. There was no written material given but SAM provided audio lectures on over 20 pieces and their website had a massive download on the collection. It was interesting to see what pieces people passed by and which ones they gathered around. Many of the pieces I recognized: The Kiss, Goat Skull, Bottle and Candle, Le Couvent, 3 Figures under a Tree, Seated Woman, Man with a Straw Hat and Ice Cream, and others. There were many sculptures had not seen before. A few pieces stood out to me:

The first, Le Sacre-Coeur, I immediately recognized as the cathedral in Monmarte in Paris. I was there this summer with my brother and loved the neighborhood, the steep winding streets, the small shops, the green pathways nearby, the absence of tourists! In looking at Picasso’s painting, I felt spoiled at the thought of having seen what he saw and having been where he lived for so long. Le Sacre-Coeur has many angles to it, demonstrating Picasso’s constant pushing of the limits of art as a medium to convey reality. He was never abstract. Here he captures attempts to capture how we view things from different angles all at once, why not a painting? It leaves much to the imagination, without much color, clarity or even finish as if it is still forming, taking shape before being fully expressed as the artist community we knew it was.

After seeing lots of seated women, his Massacre in Korea 1951 struck me. It is decades after his famous Guernica on the Spanish Civil War but still has similar drastic imagery with a very clear declaration about the effects of war. It has a cold, colorless appearance. The expressionless, rigid, robotic-like characters on the right contrast with the naked, emotional, womb-filled figures on the left. Some sometimes Picasso can be stark with his simplicity, sometimes it hits home nonetheless having succeeded at captivated us with more than our sight.

I had previously seen very few photographs of Picasso and it helped me place him in a more contemporary context that I typically remember-a lot of international conflict in the midst of his artistic breakthroughs. It was interesting to see pictures of his son, wife(s), and friends and see how they compared to his depictions of them.

Though it is not entirely fair to compare them, the exhibit in London was more informative about the full development of and specific influences on Picasso; in printed material, visual outlines, and audio summaries. Granted, they were specifically relating the whole exhibit to how Picasso challenged the past, but having a broader discussion of art history allowed for a greater appreciation of how he interacted with past artists like Money and Valasquez. SAM did have more art, especially photographs, and laid it out well with good lighting.

I hit a mental break, I could not process it all. I met one acquaintance who was there from 7-12! It was all good to see but I faced my limit. It left me thinking and contemplating, the imprint of great art. I also left being grateful , grateful for being able to see so many places in the world and so many different works of art, far more than I would have even dreamed of ten years ago. I felt like I bore a responsibility to not forfeit, flaunt or forget that privilege but somehow enjoy it, share it, use it again and again…

Christmas-the Blessing of Family

It had been a full week already, I felt a cough coming on and I was tired but as I settled into my seat on the train to Redding, CA Christmas Eve morning I was relieved and excited to think of being with my family that night.The last few years our family has been through many transitions and Christmas is the one time we all gather together. We exchange very few, if any, gifts but what we

all love and treasure is that we each carve out finances, time and energy to live under one roof and enjoy life together for a week. Travel takes up a big cost each year since we live in Seattle, N. Cali, S. Cali, Tennessee, and Wyoming. Normally a week flies by for me, but itwas a rare gift to have a whole week that was full but not rushed, relaxed but not boring. Here are some highlights from our time together last week:

Playing-having time to actual recreate is rare for me. It snowed and rained a lot so we were inside more than outside playing video games, cards, table tennis, pool, and basketball. But we were able to go skiing, snowboarding and snow shoeing. I had not been skiing in five years so I was very excited about hitting the slopes. Two days later I returned with a snowboard and really enjoyed it though it was my first time-thankfully it was a clear day with lots of powder.

Eating-to hear our family talk about food you'd assume we were morbidly obese. Thankfully we are not but we do love good food. Two meals are family Xmas traditions: Fondu dinner and Red and Green breakfast. Especially after doing cooking projects with 2nd-3rd graders this last year I can understand why my parents chose these meals-they involve a lot of prep that keeps little kids hands busy:)

Fondu Dinner

we made two different cheese options and had bread, small potatoes, ham, cauliflower, apples, brussel sprouts, etc. to dip. The normal rule is that whoever is first to lose their food in the cheese while dipping has to do dishes! After dinner we have the chocolate fondu with strawberries, bananas, and raspberries were a new addition this year. I sadly forgot to pull out my camera for this.

Red and Green Breakfast

we are the only family I know yet who has made up this tradition: all the food served has to be red or green, assisted by food coloring if necessary. We had crepes, sausage, jams and jellies, whipped cream, powdered sugar, juice, applesauce-all red or green (though white was allowed too). It might not look appetizing but trust me it tastes amazing!

Prayer time

Every Christmas gathering at some point, near the beginning or end of a day, we update each other on how we are doing and take time to pray for each other. Especially the last few years I've seen how much of a blessing this is, to know that despite the distance between us, we are still family. It allows us to know how we are doing, which is hard to gage from a phone call or letter sometimes.

Surprise Meal

One of my sisters made me a celebratory meal for getting into a grad school: my ideal winter meal of homemade soup, bread, with cheese and a salad. I really need to get better vocab to describe it all. I felt so spoiled to walk in a see it all made! I ended up taking a loaf with me on the train and just eating it plain-it was that good...

On the Train

I really enjoyed my train ride though the arrival and departure times were unfortunate in Redding (2:30am and 3:30am). It was spacious, quiet, scenic. I could spend days completely alone and be pretty content. I was able to read for fun! no homework or assignments or lessons to plan. I watched a few episodes of a show my brother in law gave me a year earlier...I made slow progress over a year. Compared to the cost of flying and attention demand of driving, the train was perfect

Thanksgiving-risks resulting in gratitude

I woke up this morning and was delighted to see snow falling, again. Kids in my youth group had prayed for snow Sunday night, I wonder how long they’ve played in it. Most of us after a few hours recognize the downside to a snow: icy roads, cold fingers, and our world becomes momentarily harder, smaller. The little kid in each of us often asks for things without considering what it will cost. We respond by believing some things are better to look at than enjoy. We’d rather watch from the window than go out to build a snow fort, or observe an attractive person instead of engaging with them, or talk about our desires and dreams rather than pursuing them. For me, I do this because I hate risks, the unknown, the lack of control. I’m flexible and adaptive but that is just because I quickly analyze, reason and access a situation and make a Plan B, C, D…actually executing ideas though risks remain is hard, trusting others is even harder. This past year I am thankful for all the ways I have been blessed by leaning on God and other people, reminding me to let go and enjoy life instead of managing it.

A year ago, I was with family in Colorado after a funeral (a hard reality check on not having control) and over our Thanksgiving preparations and meal I shared my dream of being a teacher with different family members. I hesitated to because it was still a dream, a thought, a desire-I was not in fact a teacher. But I invited them into the journey, the long road between hope and reality. Though I have pursued dreams before, this was a rare time that I felt the support of God and others to be free to admit both the joys and trials that would come. I looked at grad schools last spring and was immediately struck by all the letters, prerequisite classes, and exams I’d need to complete before even applying. I walked away from the UW campus in late May overwhelmed as I tried thinking through how I was going to take 6 classes, have a 60hr high school observation, take 2 exams and complete the application paperwork by October while I was currently juggling work as a youth leader, church administrator and after school counselor. I did what most people would have done much earlier-I prayed. Like a child, I shared my dream with God my Father, surrendering control while committing to trust Him and do my best to take the steps as he led.

There were many obstacles that God cleared away and some that he didn’t. I had to stay close to him as my faith was stretched. I had to learn to say no, to deal with not giving 100% in everything, to not being understood; I stumbled and leaned on others. My dream was not my own, others chose to enter in. Six months later I have applied to the UW Masters in Teaching program and await my final interview next week. Even in making plans based on acceptance or rejection I have to trust God-taking 25 credits from 3 colleges in the Winter Quarter while working or looking elsewhere for grad work. The door could have closed earlier, but as long as it is open I’ll keep walking.

Rather than simply stretching my faith, God is stretching me to enjoy who he has made me, to enjoy relationships and the world around me. He wants me to lift my head occasionally and reflect on how far he has brought me, on his many blessings: a place to live, a car, friends, a church, a loving family, a job. What I love about snow days in Seattle is that everything slows down, I can’t be as efficient and others encourage me to enjoy the God-given break from routines.

In doing homework, finding classes, going to work, and making plans, days like today remind me that running in the snow to a coffee shop, watching a movie, and cooking with friends, was a good idea, and just as important to being human. In fact, they are better because they drive me to community, provide space to enjoy the humanity of myself and others, and force me to evaluate who I am, what I am doing/being and why. Thanksgiving reminds me of the expulsive power of joy, courage and humility that comes from taking risks to be more human by not managing or simply dreaming but living together: to pursue and receive, to share and invite, to believe order comes through freedom, to get lost in the wonder of the gift and Giver of life.

A few short days in Paris

Just when my dream of returning to London for a holiday was becoming a reality, my brother Nate's hope of going to Europe came true. He was asked to come out to work in Germany for the month of June, which was convenient due to that being the end of his work contract at Cal-State Fullerton and also due to having a German girlfriend. He didn't know how long he'd be in Germany but we thought it'd be nice to meet up somewhere midway. Paris was the place!

He had been traveling for a few weeks around Sweden, Finland, Italy and Greece and was more than a little maxed out on seeing things. Neither of us had been to Paris. It was his last stop before going home and a few hours from London by train for me.

I arrived before him and settled in at the Hotel Petit de Louvre near the Eiffel Tower. I cleaned up, bought some fresh bread and cheese and met some college friends beneath the Tower. They had been to Paris before and gave great suggestions on places to go. I walked down the Champ

de Mars, through the Hotel des Invalides, past the Grand Palais, down the Champs E'yses, around the Arc de Triomphe, to Victor hugo's house and finally to Rafael's Hotel to meet Nate. He, his friend and I walked to the Latin Quarter for dinner and ate in the square of St. Germain. I had mozzarella cheese with basil leaves and tomato, a tender piece of lamb, along with champagne and wine. It was a beautiful place but I was a disappointed to hear American music being played while eating-I would have preferred a more French ambiance. It was an amazing dinner, I feel horrible for not having the vocabulary to describe it.

I joined Nate and his friend for breakfast but the rest of the time it was just Nate and I. After moving his luggage to my place, we went to the Basilque de Sacre Caeur on a steep hill overlooking Paris. There were pathways 180 degrees around it, with shops and parks and crowds of couples-reminding us that Paris isn't a normal place for brothers to meet up. We walked to Notre Dame, dropped in the Shakespeare Book Company, and ate dinner off Mabillon in the Latin Quarter, which was almost completely empty! Evidently most citizens of Paris were on vacation.

We walked to Rue Cler and had crepes for breakfast, banana & nutella:) The market was actually anticlimactic after all that I had heard and read about it from chefs-wrong season I guess. From there we went to the Louvre, to which Nate responded, "What? a museum Ben, seriously?" When he walked in, he began to realize its significance but still declared "Going to a museum with you is like going shopping with Stephanie" (his girlfriend). The Louvre was immense and overwhelming but lacked the diversity and clarity of the Vatican Museums in Rome. After 2.5hrs, my senses had hit "overload" and we went down to the Jardin du Luxembourg, which was larger than I expected. I told Nate he could choose a place for lunch since I had taken so long at the museum, assuming he'd soak up the opportunity to have good French food. Instead, the moment he saw someone eating McDonalds, he rushed over and found out where the store was. So in my final hours in Paris I sat at a window with a McFlurry and Spicy Chicken Burger, not what I expected but definitely memorable!

random highlights:

-observing the high commitment to fashion everywhere, even a 60+yr old woman wearing 5in. wedges down the street

-making faces with children in the park or train, seeing the light in their eyes, speaking an intl language of humor

-preferring the steep, narrow, winding streets of Montmartre over the busy streets of central Paris

-soaking up the freedom of a holiday, being able to ask "what do I want to do today?"

-getting time with someone who knows me well

Holiday in London!

It had been a dream ever since I returned last year from London go back to visit, and I was able to go for eighteen days at the end of August! I wasn't sure how I'd feel going back: would people remember me? what is the neighborhood like? What would I do for fun? Who would I get to see? Life was full enough before going that these thoughts didn't plague me too much:)
While spending an extra day in Philly due to a mishap with the airlines, i studied for a test and got to know a football (soccer) coach from N. England-which helped the time pass. From the moment I saw my friends greet me at the Heathrow until I left, I felt warmly received and had an amazing time reconnecting with a place that had become home. I didn't miss the big city or tourist places, I missed relationships, so my highlights might seem small unless you know their depth:

1. the normalcy of seeing your old neighborhood
having my old CC, travel card (oyster), mobile and knowing the area made getting around much easier. I was dropped off for lunch at someone's house from the airport, walked into the charity shop I used to work at, ASHA and surprised the family working there, saw familiar faces, and was greeted on the street I used to live on with the shouts of boys calling out for me to play football with them. I stayed around Kenton with a neighboring Indian family, sharing meals and getting time with their son. I had several long conversations over tea, late nights with friends and dinners with families. The time flew by. After being gone almost a year it was comforting to know that the community that had become family to me was still there and still family in many ways despite the distance.
2.enjoying London with friends
I was able to take two boys to a Chelsea match. They had way more gear than me and their relentless chattering exhibited their enthusiasm. though Seattle has their own team now, their matches don't compare to those in the Premier League. I met a friend from high school who is working at a theatre in downtown London and she showed me around the backstage and introduced me to her coworkers. It is sweet to see someone pursue their dreams and trace how God opens up doors. Two high school students involved in the church plant New Life Suwarta Sangat were great as I played show and tell showing some of my favorite spots around the city. The Nottinghill Carnival was colorful, in more ways than one, and crowded but after hearing so much about it I am glad I went. After several full days of seeing people, it was nice to spend a few hours alone in Kew Gardens on an "Indian summer" day with rain pouring between sun breaks.















3. revisiting the ministries I was involved with
The building we were able to use rent free, Glebe Fellowship Hall, had been completely remodeled and our lease we had negotiated was finalized-which meant that I was visiting just before they were fully able to execute all their amazing ideas for using to host events and activities for the community. I was able to visit a few apprentices who were just starting program I had been a part of. It is exciting to keep up with them and hear how everything has developed since I was in their shoes.

4. an afternoon with the Irvines

Though my time with them was very short, it was sweet. The Irvine family with two kids and new baby in tow has just arrived a few days before I left and were the main family I got to know during my time in London. I got to wrestle, read, eat, and play with the kids and heard their stories and told my own of the past year. Reconnecting with kids does not happen easily and I was glad to find them so receptive to letting me back into their lives. The parents and I reflected on how easy and natural it felt for me to be there.

Overall I realized that despite the time and distance, I still have a community of friends in London that I can return to if/when a door opens in the future. But for now I remain in Seattle and begin my pursuit of a Masters in Teaching...another journey begins.